The Week that Was - 4/9 - 4/15/2015

Greetings from cyberspace! Well, here we are, another week has come and gone, and let me tell you this. My life is pretty freaking boring. In fact, really don't have much of a life. So let's see how this week went.
  • April 9 - DIdn't go to the gym because (a) I still felt like crap and (b) I had to get up early to go to Irvine (a last minute decision).  It was a pretty long day, but at least this time I felt like I accomplished something.  I just have to say thank goodness I had my iPad with me so that I could at least take notes.
  • April 10 - FInally... Friday. And boy did I feel like crap. I did get up to work out, but not a whole lot of effort. I was coughing so bad it hurt my back. We had company overnight and they all drank a little too much and got a little rowdy, but it was good fun.
  • April 11 - Woke up to a very sore back because of the coughing. And I had a major sinus thing going on.  Going to the gym??? Not an option. I was sick as a dog. My cousin took off for the day, so there was no one to take care of me, and I really could have used some TLC.  So, I got caught up and watched all my shows. And then I met up with some friends. I waas pretty upset, because there has been many times that I have stayed home taking care of my cousin, and I got nada. Bleh. 
  • April 12 - Got up went to church.  My cousin had to go pick up her sister, who is now staying with us.  I love my cousins, but it is going to be an interesting time around here. 
  • April 13 - Monday morning blues. Yes, I got up. Worked out (feeling better - couldn't run) Went to work and then came home. Started to watch on Netflix 'The Blacklist'. Hawk hold told me about it when I first met him. It is a pretty good show.  Oh yeah, I booked my flight to see Buttercup! The first person I told that I booked it was Hawk. He was super excited for me, and that meant so much. My cousin - not so much. But then again there is story about it. (I really need to do that personal stuff post)
  • April 14 - Again, got up, went to the gym.  Came home, read, and get ready for work. Lather rinse and repeat. BUT, I was able to run up and down the steps at our parking structure at work.  By the way, it has five level.  My cousin broke it off with this guy she was seeing and was planning on going out. She wanted me to drop her and our neighbor off and then pick them up. Ummm no freaking way! Hello, I work and I get up early to go to work out.
  • April 15 - Tax Day!!! Oh yeah, I already did and spent mine. Work was awesome and I got to go out to have dinner with a bunch of cool ladies!
So, there you have it. Pretty boring. Not even much to report about Hawk, because there is really nothing. We chat, but that is about it. I still want him, but if it is meant to be, it will be. How pathetic is my life when his responses to my messages make my day... mmmm.... sigh.... Well.. time to try to get some shut eye.

Random Thoughts - Lists and More Lists

Greetings from cyberspace! I found this picture on Facebook the other day, and it go me thinking about my daily life. I am not really a list person. I would like to be, for maybe it would make this debt process go a lot smoother. It just seems that I am having a rough time getting traction on paying it down. But then again, maybe making a list daily would help me with life in general. I just know that there are some things that need to change. I'm not really happy and I know in what areas that I am not happy. Just need to figure out how to effect these changes and make them stick.  Why does life have to be so complicated.


The Week that Was - 4/2 - 4/8/2015

Greetings from cyberspace! Sort of boring week in that
  • April 2 - Super duper crazy day. But it was pretty much okay.  My cousin's kids went with their father for an all weekend camping trip.
  • April 3 - PAYDAY!! And I have the day off!!!  Went to the beach with my cousin and had a great day. Got a little bit of color, got to smell the ocean and just relax. We then went over to our neighbors house to have dinner and just hang out.
  • April 4 - Relatively quiet day. My cousin went with me to work out and then we went out to breakfast. However, she really did not feel good and slept most of the day. However, I had to meet the Ex to pick up money (still... grrrr) and I knew I looked cute and he looked ragged. And then he complained about his girlfriend. Come home and then watched a wonderful movie with my cousin.  If you have not seen 'Chef', go to Netflix and watch it.  You will love it.
  • April 5 - Resurrection Sunday! What a wonderful day. Went to our Easter service (which was wonderful) and just was so blessed. Then we went to Wrightwood to have Easter dinner with the family and it was such a blessed time. The only downfall was that my cousin was stressing about the person she has been dating all the way there and all the way home.
  • April 6 - Monday... During my 5K training, I did it!  Ran 5K in 34 minutes (of course, it was a run / walk, but I did it!)
  • April 7 - Met with my church mentor and we had a good discussion regarding priority and boundaries. I realize that my relationship with Hawk has some pretty healthy boundaries for me. I need to keep him there in the friend zone. But there has been a discernible shift in our conversations. I can't say more intimate, just more personal. Not sure what to make of it. 
  • April 8 - Ugh.. woke up not feeling well.  I couldn't run. I just jumped on the bike.  I went to work, came home, and slept.  HARD... ugh..
Pretty mediocre week.  I still owe my readers a post about some personal things, but I am too sick right now think about writing.  I was lucky to get this one out.  I am going to do some binge watching and sleep.  I will need to go to Target to get a few things, but that is about it.  If I want to make it to church tomorrow, I will need to rest up.


The Week that Was - 3/26 - 4/1/2015

Greetings from cyberspace! Ok.. this week was a little more exciting... to say the least.. Just read on... 
  • March 26 - Went to our satellite office to continue working on that new project.  Afterwards I met up with some friends at a local pub to see this amazing band, Rum Soaked Raisins! My girlfriend is good friends with them, and they remembered me from her birthday party. I danced a bit, but then there was this really strange woman that kept grabbing me... weird.. Didn't stay too long as I had to go to work the next day.
  • March 27 - Went to our satellite office again, and attended a webinar training which was awful. Then I pretty much sat around reading work comp statutes. Came home to see a few friends, and then went over to our neighbors, but there was this guy that was just plain freaking weird.  Second day in row!!!
  • March 28 - Went shopping at the local natural market, and spent a little too much on natural vitamins, but they are totally worth it.  We then went to my cousin's so drumline competition... and they were robbed going to the finals.. by.. ONE... STINKING.. POINT!!!  And they worked so hard.  And their coach was telling them how awful they were??? WTF!!! Grrrrr
  • March 29 - Hawk competed in Tough Mudder in Los Angeles (wanna know what that is... Google it!) My cousin and hung out and I drank way too much beer.. because by the end of the night, I was feeling giddy. Two of the kids went on a mission trip with their church. Got a chance to message Hawk to see how he did.. he said he loved it... (more on this later).  
  • March 30 - Got up, went to the gym, but my run was AWFUL! Definitely cannot do the drinking the night before, and I really did not eat well the day before. Work was quiet.. Thank goodness!!
  • March 31 - I was able to work from home, which was a blessing because I needed to figure out a process for my team. Hawk and I spoke on the phone for over an hour. It was great conversation. Just like it was in the beginning. He told me all about the Mudder and how hard it was, but he said he wouldn't do it again.  Too expensive. And I quote "I'm too cheap to spend that much money when I spend the same amount and do several competitions!".. I had to laugh. I didn't want to end the conversation, but I started to get tired. And I was babysitting my cousin's youngest while she went out for dinner (Hawk's comment was priceless.. more on that later). And then the older kids came home, and were loud, rude, disrespectful. I had to text her to come home to deal with it, and when she did, it got louder. Didn't get to sleep until 1:00 AM... Oh.. it was the 11th anniversary of my divorce being final.
  • April 1 - Not enough sleep and my run was HORRIBLE.. and the day at work was equally horrible. The bright spot... Hawk was sympathetic and encouraging... (more on this later). Second bright spot, I signed up for a 5K in June, and it was free via work.  Yeah!!  Time to start training outside!!
Told you... pretty exciting.. Upon reviewing this, I need to do a follow-up post regarding some personal issues.  Stay tuned.


The Week that Was - 3/19 - 3/25/2015

Greetings from cyberspace! This past week was pretty boring... Lather rinse repeat.
  • March 19 - Went to one of our other offices for work to start on a new project (and I haven't even finished the current one!) It was a long travel day!! I met with my church mentor today and we had some great discussions regarding Hawk, Buttercup and life in general.
  • March 20 - PAYDAY! But really did not put a dent in the debt as I had used my credit card recently due to emotional spending.
  • March 21 - Got up early and went to work out in the gym, then drove into work, due to being at the other office, I needed to get caught up on some stuff. Came home and watched two awesome movies my cousin rented.
  • March 22 -  Woke to a text from one of the church elders, that they had a check for me.  As I checked my email, there was one from the same elder stating that the church was going to provide financial aid so that I can go see Buttercup. I just need to figure out dates and request the time off.  Such a blessing.
  • March 23 - Monday morning...  I really don't like Monday mornings. Lather rinse and repeat.. some thing different day. Except I found out the person that I was collaborating on that new project resigned, and so it appears that I will be spending more time up there anticipated.
  • March 24 - Work, work, work and more work. I mean, really??? BUT, when I weighed myself, I hit my first target - 150 lbs!!!  Woooot!!
  • March 25 - A very interesting day, to say the least.  First of all, I attended a webinar that provide clarity on my main project. Secondly, I accidentally erased my co-workers profile on her computer. Thirdly, I met up with the friend that introduced me to Hawk, and the first thing she says to me when she sees me.. YOU LOOK FABULOUS!! We really did not discuss him. I wanted to just hang out and have a glass of wine. We had some great girl chat, and then she mentioned what a fool he was. LOL!
Yes, a very boring week. Uneventful. Not even a lot to discuss.  Highlight - I will be able to see my Buttercup soon!


What... No Debt Tracker This Week....

Greetings from cyberspace! Nope. No debt tracker this week, but I actually increased my debt. Why? It's called emotional spending. And yes, I am guilty of it. Am I ashamed? Yes, and no. I looked at my spending and it was linked to my heartache over Hawk. (Darn that man!) Things have not changed, but our recent messaging has been more - friendly. I am not going to read too much into it, and will try to NOT obsess over it as well. Just need to be warm, loving friend that he needs and wants. But if he ever starts to ask me about my feelings for him, I will be completely honest with him. I still want to be with him. I think we would be great together, but there are some things that I.. ME.. need to get resolved before I can get involved with him or for any person for that matter.  So for this pay period, yes, I did pay some debt down, but then again I put some on my credit card, and it washed it out and added some. Just love this roller coaster ride!!!


The Week that Was - 3/12 - 3/18/2015

Greetings from cyberspace! This past week was numbing... Lather rinse repeat.
  • March 12 - Not much to report on this day. Finished up the planning for work, and then got news that I am going to be involved in other project. Oh joy!!! On a side note, this week, Hawk is home, but of course due to our 'agreement', didn't see him.  I miss him.
  • March 13 - What a weird day. I got a few things accomplished at work, but realized that I would need to go in on Saturday to work.  However, I did meet up with some friends, had a drink, and just laughed and laughed, until the conversation turned towards Hawk. Again, the tears just came in.
  • March 14 - Got up early and went to work out in the gym, then drove into work. I finished off a task that needed to be done, so on Monday, I can gear up for the next phase. Wanted to go hang out with some friends, but they blew me off.  Them bums!!  On a positive note, according to my weigh in, I've lost a total 7.2 pounds since January!!  I have 2 more pounds until I reach my first goal!
  • March 15 -  Got up and went to church.  Was planning on doing lunch with a friend, but got blown off.  Story of my life recently. I did actually have a phone conversation with Hawk. Shocking!! It was good to hear his voice. He expressed concern over the incident that happened last Friday. But other than that, same story, different day.  Just friends. However, my cousin and I decided to have a 'date' night and went to dinner and movie. I spent more than I wanted, but being I was just in such a depressed mood... yeah. However, I did get a chance to FaceTime with Buttercup. Sure miss that girl.
  • March 16 - Monday morning...  blah... And I mean blah. I got up early, went to the gym, worked out, came home, read my devotionals and went to work. Yes, this is becoming my new way of life. Still training for the 5K. Oh.. Hawk had a colonoscopy today (I know because he told me) I said a prayer for him.
  • March 17 - Happy St Patrick's Day! No, I didn't go out, because I had to work the next day.  But I did have a beer in honor of good ole St. Patrick! My brother called and we talked about an hour and then I called my sister (who lives in Florida) and told her about the conversation. Work was interesting.  And I got notice that my new assignment will start on March 19th. I am excited about this, because it is a career growth opportunity and if executed well, will put me in line for a promotion.
  • March 18 - What a long day!! And I mean a really long day!  I worked until 7:00 pm (and I get up at 5:00 to get to the gym) Ugh... However, something very interesting happened. I got an email from my pastor asking what could the church do for me. After explaining my financial situation with Buttercup, it appears that they are going to gift me with some money to help me out. I am not sure if I could accept. I mean, I can pay my bills, but it is a little tight. 
A note about my feeling and thoughts about Hawk. Mysti and others are right, that I need to work on myself, and trust me - I have. There is a lot more to Hawk's situation that I have not disclosed, and I am not sure if I want to disclose this.  But I can tell you this.  A mutual friend of ours knows the situation, and is NOT happy with him. She thinks he is a fool, because of his stubbornness regarding said situation, he is losing out on a great person.. that person being me. And she pretty much has told him that. When she told me that, I was in complete shock! So much so, that I didn't dare ask what his reaction was.  What I can tell you that my contact and or messaging with him has been brief, somewhat impersonal, and friendly. Does it make it easier? Nope, because I still want to be with him. So, I keep praying for clarity and for release. The heart wants what it wants. And sometimes it doesn't know better.