The Week that Was - 3/19 - 3/25/2015

Greetings from cyberspace! This past week was pretty boring... Lather rinse repeat.
  • March 19 - Went to one of our other offices for work to start on a new project (and I haven't even finished the current one!) It was a long travel day!! I met with my church mentor today and we had some great discussions regarding Hawk, Buttercup and life in general.
  • March 20 - PAYDAY! But really did not put a dent in the debt as I had used my credit card recently due to emotional spending.
  • March 21 - Got up early and went to work out in the gym, then drove into work, due to being at the other office, I needed to get caught up on some stuff. Came home and watched two awesome movies my cousin rented.
  • March 22 -  Woke to a text from one of the church elders, that they had a check for me.  As I checked my email, there was one from the same elder stating that the church was going to provide financial aid so that I can go see Buttercup. I just need to figure out dates and request the time off.  Such a blessing.
  • March 23 - Monday morning...  I really don't like Monday mornings. Lather rinse and repeat.. some thing different day. Except I found out the person that I was collaborating on that new project resigned, and so it appears that I will be spending more time up there anticipated.
  • March 24 - Work, work, work and more work. I mean, really??? BUT, when I weighed myself, I hit my first target - 150 lbs!!!  Woooot!!
  • March 25 - A very interesting day, to say the least.  First of all, I attended a webinar that provide clarity on my main project. Secondly, I accidentally erased my co-workers profile on her computer. Thirdly, I met up with the friend that introduced me to Hawk, and the first thing she says to me when she sees me.. YOU LOOK FABULOUS!! We really did not discuss him. I wanted to just hang out and have a glass of wine. We had some great girl chat, and then she mentioned what a fool he was. LOL!
Yes, a very boring week. Uneventful. Not even a lot to discuss.  Highlight - I will be able to see my Buttercup soon!


What... No Debt Tracker This Week....

Greetings from cyberspace! Nope. No debt tracker this week, but I actually increased my debt. Why? It's called emotional spending. And yes, I am guilty of it. Am I ashamed? Yes, and no. I looked at my spending and it was linked to my heartache over Hawk. (Darn that man!) Things have not changed, but our recent messaging has been more - friendly. I am not going to read too much into it, and will try to NOT obsess over it as well. Just need to be warm, loving friend that he needs and wants. But if he ever starts to ask me about my feelings for him, I will be completely honest with him. I still want to be with him. I think we would be great together, but there are some things that I.. ME.. need to get resolved before I can get involved with him or for any person for that matter.  So for this pay period, yes, I did pay some debt down, but then again I put some on my credit card, and it washed it out and added some. Just love this roller coaster ride!!!


The Week that Was - 3/12 - 3/18/2015

Greetings from cyberspace! This past week was numbing... Lather rinse repeat.
  • March 12 - Not much to report on this day. Finished up the planning for work, and then got news that I am going to be involved in other project. Oh joy!!! On a side note, this week, Hawk is home, but of course due to our 'agreement', didn't see him.  I miss him.
  • March 13 - What a weird day. I got a few things accomplished at work, but realized that I would need to go in on Saturday to work.  However, I did meet up with some friends, had a drink, and just laughed and laughed, until the conversation turned towards Hawk. Again, the tears just came in.
  • March 14 - Got up early and went to work out in the gym, then drove into work. I finished off a task that needed to be done, so on Monday, I can gear up for the next phase. Wanted to go hang out with some friends, but they blew me off.  Them bums!!  On a positive note, according to my weigh in, I've lost a total 7.2 pounds since January!!  I have 2 more pounds until I reach my first goal!
  • March 15 -  Got up and went to church.  Was planning on doing lunch with a friend, but got blown off.  Story of my life recently. I did actually have a phone conversation with Hawk. Shocking!! It was good to hear his voice. He expressed concern over the incident that happened last Friday. But other than that, same story, different day.  Just friends. However, my cousin and I decided to have a 'date' night and went to dinner and movie. I spent more than I wanted, but being I was just in such a depressed mood... yeah. However, I did get a chance to FaceTime with Buttercup. Sure miss that girl.
  • March 16 - Monday morning...  blah... And I mean blah. I got up early, went to the gym, worked out, came home, read my devotionals and went to work. Yes, this is becoming my new way of life. Still training for the 5K. Oh.. Hawk had a colonoscopy today (I know because he told me) I said a prayer for him.
  • March 17 - Happy St Patrick's Day! No, I didn't go out, because I had to work the next day.  But I did have a beer in honor of good ole St. Patrick! My brother called and we talked about an hour and then I called my sister (who lives in Florida) and told her about the conversation. Work was interesting.  And I got notice that my new assignment will start on March 19th. I am excited about this, because it is a career growth opportunity and if executed well, will put me in line for a promotion.
  • March 18 - What a long day!! And I mean a really long day!  I worked until 7:00 pm (and I get up at 5:00 to get to the gym) Ugh... However, something very interesting happened. I got an email from my pastor asking what could the church do for me. After explaining my financial situation with Buttercup, it appears that they are going to gift me with some money to help me out. I am not sure if I could accept. I mean, I can pay my bills, but it is a little tight. 
A note about my feeling and thoughts about Hawk. Mysti and others are right, that I need to work on myself, and trust me - I have. There is a lot more to Hawk's situation that I have not disclosed, and I am not sure if I want to disclose this.  But I can tell you this.  A mutual friend of ours knows the situation, and is NOT happy with him. She thinks he is a fool, because of his stubbornness regarding said situation, he is losing out on a great person.. that person being me. And she pretty much has told him that. When she told me that, I was in complete shock! So much so, that I didn't dare ask what his reaction was.  What I can tell you that my contact and or messaging with him has been brief, somewhat impersonal, and friendly. Does it make it easier? Nope, because I still want to be with him. So, I keep praying for clarity and for release. The heart wants what it wants. And sometimes it doesn't know better. 


Random Thoughts - Darn Fairy Tales

Greetings from cyberspace! Today my cousin and I went to see the new Disney live action film Cinderella. Absolutely loved the film (see the trailer below).  However, both my cousin and I both commented about those darn fairy tales. They set us women for heartbreak. Every. Single. Time. Of course we want to be Cinderella, Snow White, Aurora or any of the fairy tale princess.  And the Princes unequivocally know what or whom they want. We want those Prince Charmings to declare their 'undying' love for us and whisk us away to live happily ever after. But that is not reality. Reality is that our 'Princes' are flawed, and they really don't know what or let alone whom they want. Seeing movies like this make me long more for the fairy tale romance, but I know in real life - it is a fantasy. It take real work to be in a relationship, to keep the romance alive and the passion burning. But I will say this (not to spoil the movie) there is a scene at the end in which I can relate to. Will someone love and accept ME for who I am? All my flaws? All my crappy baggage? My good and bad hair days? Just when I thought I was starting to get over Hawk - that darn fairy tale... sigh..


So How am I Doing - Action and Goal Update Mid-March 2015

Greetings from cyberspace! March is almost halfway over. . I have been so consumed with the heartbreak over Hawk and dealing with Buttercup. I have working out and eating better, and I am feeling great but I did not do any action plan for March. But let's do a check in on basic goals and action plan.

Action Plan March 2015

  1. Re-calibrate budget - In progress - I will be posting the budget when I see what my income will be after the merit kicks in. Should be interesting. 
  2. Call collection agency regarding paid off account - Round two!!! Grrrr
  3. Get truck and trailer loans out of my name - in progress. More to come about this. 
Goals Update

  • Complete Baby Emergency Fund by June 30th  - epic failure
  • Pay Off 5% of 41,074.41 (-$2053.72) per Quarter - Well, technically done due to lump sum paid via tax refund.
  • Save $500 for Christmas - will start after emergency fund is complete
  • Complete the Bible in One Year app on my iPhone -  on target and loving it!
  • Re-read Jesus Calling - on target and loving it!
  • Read at least 12 books from my current NOOK/Kindle library - 1 book in progress - Boundaries
  • Read additional 12 books for book club - Cancelled - I need to save a little money, so I can't spend additional money on books.  I have plenty in my current libraries about, so this goal is going to be combined.
  • Complete a 5K within 40 minutes - in progress.
  • Go to gym every day for at least 1 hour of exercise - on target, and I am feeling stronger!
  • Lose 20 lbs - I've lost 6 so far
  • Read monthly professional journal and complete CE exams within journal - I read the journal, but need to do the CE Exams
  • Complete my 2015 re-assessment test by the end of the year - end of year goal
  • Keep my email box below 50 emails by the end of a each week - ouch, my email box has exploded.
So there you have it.  Need to get back on the train. 


The Week that Was - 3/5 - 3/11/2015

Greetings from cyberspace! This past week was numbing... Lather rinse repeat.
  • March 5 - It was an okay day until I remembered it was one week ago that I last saw Hawk, and I cried. Just so not fair.
  • March 6 - Payday!! Paid some bills. Went out with the cousin to meet up with some friends, but she drank too much too fast, and I had to get her home. She got mad and then said some harsh things. It was not a fun night.
  • March 7 - Got up early and went to work out.  Had to get my eyeglasses adjusted, do laundry and just hang out. Very boring day. I wanted to go out and join some friends, but I ended up staying home. Messaged Hawk about what happened the other night. He was sympathetic about the situation, but that was about it.
  • March 8 -  Slept in. Felt really depressed about life. Went grocery shopping and spent too much money on personal items.  Bleh.. One of my cousin's friends came over for dinner, and I had a lot of wine.
  • March 9 - Monday morning blah... And I mean blah. I got up early, went to the gym, worked out, came home, read my devotionals and went to work. Yes, this is becoming my new way of life. Buttercup called and she miscarried. It was for the best.
  • March 10 - Planning day at work, and also my work anniversary.  Got up early again, went to the gym, worked out, came home, read my devotionals and went to work. Lather rinse and repeat. I got an interesting email from my sister in Florida in which she noted how distant I had been over the last few years. Part of it was due to the Ex. So when I got home, I found a quiet place to park and call her. We talked for almost two hours. It felt great. I tried to get one of my friends to meet me for a celebratory drink, but that didn't happen.
  • March 11 - My work computer died. Ugh... I have to re-install a bunch of programs. Buttercup called wanting money, and I told her no. She needs to budget. Simple as that.
In regards to being 'friends' with Hawk, he's been awfully quiet, but then again, I have not pushed the issue. He's back home, and I really want to see him, but I know it won't go well. So, I continue to pray for comfort to get over the heartbreak. But I can't stop thinking about him. And it still hurts.


Random Thoughts - My Career Became an Adult Today

Greetings from cyberspace! Today I celebrate 18 years being with my employer. Wow... 18 years. Buttercup was only a baby when I started here. I was in my early 30's.  I've been through a few major life events here - my divorce, the break-up of a long term (albeit abusive) relationship, Buttercup's graduation, the death of my beloved Aunt Mary, my sister moving away to Florida. I've also gained some wonderful friends and have had the joy of mentoring some awesome people and am continuing to mentor others. I've had a few setbacks, but I am proud to say that I have overcome them and am happy with my career. It has come a long way, but it grew up wonderfully!