Greetings from cyberspace! I just uploaded the Matters of the Heart. If you notice the date - that is how long it has taken me to sort out my thoughts about this subject. My next post will need to be an update on my financial situation. That will take at least a week to sort out. A lot has changed, I have shifted some stuff around, and I need to take a closer look at all my spending to see what the heck I have been spending my money on. I am thinking that I may need to do a 're-set'. Oh freaking joy! And I need to get you all caught up on the 'Week that was', I have so bad about keeping up on that! Grrr... I love how life gets in the way! NOT! But right now, I am on my way to Calico Ghost Town for a getaway for the weekend. Should be fun!!
Greetings from cyberspace! Well, as promised, here is the post about matters of the heart, or better yet, matters of MY heart. I have been going thru a roller coaster of emotions.It is not just ONE person. It has been several persons. My head has been spinning and my heart has been extremely heavy. Oh where to start...
First of all, I love my cousin dearly. She took me into her home when I finally got the courage to leave the Ex. I was a hot mess. I was so angry, distressed and frantic. Through her love, her faith and her patience, I have calmed down. But recently I see the tables turned and she is the one that is angry, distressed and frantic. Some of this stems from the circumstances of her divorce, but there are things that go much deeper. What I have come to realize that she is addicted to being the center of attention. She thrives on it. I don't think she knows how to bow out gracefully and let someone else have the spotlight. Case in point - Super Bowl Sunday, she was being extremely - let's just say - flirty. Now I have seen this before, and I attempted to get her to settle down. Even Hawk noticed it, and he made a comment that almost made me slap him, but he quickly explained that even though yes my cousin is 'hot', her behavior is a turn-off. And it is not the first time she has been like that, and she only gets like that after she has been drinking. We have had many discussions regarding it, but she will still do it. Which leave me in the position of being the 'caregiver' and the 'responsible' one. In fact, Hawk had commented that night how impressed he was about my 'strength'. I guess I am stronger than I ever thought I would be, and I can only say it is by the grace of God that I am. And she will pointedly comment to others how all the young 'hot' boys will come on to her. It is disconcerting. And this is where I get that ugly feeling of being jealous and frustration of being invisible when she is around. But what I have come to realize, that sometimes being invisible is better, because those who see me, really see ME. It boils down to her realizing that she does not need to be the center of attention. She does not have sole ownership of the limelight. I have had a heart to heart talk with her regarding this, and she asked that when I see this, to bring it to her attention. Trust me, I shall.
Where do I start with this one. I guess from the beginning. I met him while watching the NFC championship. My friend encouraged me to talk to him by saying, "You should go over and talk with him. He's a lovely gentlemen." And she was right. He was. We started talking and it was a great flow. We have a lot in common. We are the same age. Divorced. Christian. Has kids. He likes to joke around, and appreciates my unique sense of humor. We did exchange numbers. However, I got what I termed radio silence until the next time I saw him, which was Super Bowl Sunday. At first he was kind of distance, but I encouraged him to come sit with me, and it was great. After the game (what heartbreak), we hung around afterwords and that is when my cousin started with her routine. Like I mentioned, he made a comment that made me want to slap him, but he apologized for it, and started holding my hand. We danced, fast and slow. And he was protective. The sports bar we were at were closing, and so we went over to a friends house. When we got there, we had to wait for our hosts to arrive. Hawk pulled me into a kiss. And that was all it took. At least for me. I had never been kissed that way. It was passionate and romantic. I got butterflies. He was the type of man that I wanted to be my partner. And they have not gone away. I was watching an episode of 'Person of Interest' and there was a scene where one of characters kissed this woman and it was he same way Hawk grabbed and kissed me. I cry when I think of that night. I wish he had never kissed me. Why? Because he has been emotionally invested in someone he has never met. They talked online for a whole. Exchanged emails. Apparently feelings evolved. But she has blown him off when he has attempted to meet her in person. Meanwhile in the beginning telling me that he likes spending time with me and had kissed me. And the few times we met for dinner or hung out he kissed me. Not like that night but enough to keep those butterflies. But I began to realize that he does not feel the same way. And it hurts that I cannot see him. Or hang out. Because there was so much potential. I can still feel it. Being or talking with him is as natural as breathing air. Our conversations over messaging has ranged from personal to impersonal. We cyber-hug and then not. It is weird. Bottom line - I am still emotionally invested. I have tried to be distant, but my personality is not wired for that. This is an area of my heart that I have taken to God. And I get the direction of being patient and kind. So confused here.
My only child. The most precious gift that God has given second only to my salvation. This is the one area of my heart that hurts the most. I have been reading 'Boundaries' and realize that I did not set up appropriate boundaries with my daughter and consequently, she has none. I feel like I have failed my daughter in so many ways. Back when I was with the Ex, I put HIM before her. And that is something I am not proud of. She claims to have forgiven me, but once in a while she will through it in my face. And the majority of my current debt is due to her. I cannot even begin to tabulate the total amount I have spent on her. And recently she has been asking me to co-sign on a lease for her. This is where I have to take my stand, and it will be so hard. And it will be harder when I go see her next month. There as so many things and feelings going through my heart. It has been really hard to NOT talk with her on the phone, because I get angry with her and just want to scream at the top of my lungs. She is never completely honest with me, and that is on me, because I was never completely honest with her. I hope to have a completely honest conversation with her, just her and I, regarding all of this. I hope to sit down and help her set up an action plan for us to get on the same page regarding both of our finances. She cannot keep depending on me and I need to stop enabling her. And that is what I have come to realize that is what I am. I am an Enabler. I enabled the Ex. I enable my cousin to a certain degree. And I most certainly have enabled my daughter. I have been working with my mentor on this pattern with my daughter and has recommended several books to read to help. And wouldn't you know, I have both of them in my Kindle library. Guess what this gal is going to be doing before she leave to see her Buttercup??
Well, there you have it. The long and short of the Matters of the heart. I guess I need to set up some boundaries for myself. I have a lot of work to do.
Greetings from cyberspace! Well, here we are, another week has come and gone, and let me tell you this. My life is pretty freaking boring. In fact, really don't have much of a life. So let's see how this week went.
- April 9 - DIdn't go to the gym because (a) I still felt like crap and (b) I had to get up early to go to Irvine (a last minute decision). It was a pretty long day, but at least this time I felt like I accomplished something. I just have to say thank goodness I had my iPad with me so that I could at least take notes.
- April 10 - FInally... Friday. And boy did I feel like crap. I did get up to work out, but not a whole lot of effort. I was coughing so bad it hurt my back. We had company overnight and they all drank a little too much and got a little rowdy, but it was good fun.
- April 11 - Woke up to a very sore back because of the coughing. And I had a major sinus thing going on. Going to the gym??? Not an option. I was sick as a dog. My cousin took off for the day, so there was no one to take care of me, and I really could have used some TLC. So, I got caught up and watched all my shows. And then I met up with some friends. I waas pretty upset, because there has been many times that I have stayed home taking care of my cousin, and I got nada. Bleh.
- April 12 - Got up went to church. My cousin had to go pick up her sister, who is now staying with us. I love my cousins, but it is going to be an interesting time around here.
- April 13 - Monday morning blues. Yes, I got up. Worked out (feeling better - couldn't run) Went to work and then came home. Started to watch on Netflix 'The Blacklist'. Hawk hold told me about it when I first met him. It is a pretty good show. Oh yeah, I booked my flight to see Buttercup! The first person I told that I booked it was Hawk. He was super excited for me, and that meant so much. My cousin - not so much. But then again there is story about it. (I really need to do that personal stuff post)
- April 14 - Again, got up, went to the gym. Came home, read, and get ready for work. Lather rinse and repeat. BUT, I was able to run up and down the steps at our parking structure at work. By the way, it has five level. My cousin broke it off with this guy she was seeing and was planning on going out. She wanted me to drop her and our neighbor off and then pick them up. Ummm no freaking way! Hello, I work and I get up early to go to work out.
- April 15 - Tax Day!!! Oh yeah, I already did and spent mine. Work was awesome and I got to go out to have dinner with a bunch of cool ladies!
So, there you have it. Pretty boring. Not even much to report about Hawk, because there is really nothing. We chat, but that is about it. I still want him, but if it is meant to be, it will be. How pathetic is my life when his responses to my messages make my day... mmmm.... sigh.... Well.. time to try to get some shut eye.
Greetings from cyberspace! Sort of boring week in that
- April 2 - Super duper crazy day. But it was pretty much okay. My cousin's kids went with their father for an all weekend camping trip.
- April 3 - PAYDAY!! And I have the day off!!! Went to the beach with my cousin and had a great day. Got a little bit of color, got to smell the ocean and just relax. We then went over to our neighbors house to have dinner and just hang out.
- April 4 - Relatively quiet day. My cousin went with me to work out and then we went out to breakfast. However, she really did not feel good and slept most of the day. However, I had to meet the Ex to pick up money (still... grrrr) and I knew I looked cute and he looked ragged. And then he complained about his girlfriend. Come home and then watched a wonderful movie with my cousin. If you have not seen 'Chef', go to Netflix and watch it. You will love it.
- April 5 - Resurrection Sunday! What a wonderful day. Went to our Easter service (which was wonderful) and just was so blessed. Then we went to Wrightwood to have Easter dinner with the family and it was such a blessed time. The only downfall was that my cousin was stressing about the person she has been dating all the way there and all the way home.
- April 6 - Monday... During my 5K training, I did it! Ran 5K in 34 minutes (of course, it was a run / walk, but I did it!)
- April 7 - Met with my church mentor and we had a good discussion regarding priority and boundaries. I realize that my relationship with Hawk has some pretty healthy boundaries for me. I need to keep him there in the friend zone. But there has been a discernible shift in our conversations. I can't say more intimate, just more personal. Not sure what to make of it.
- April 8 - Ugh.. woke up not feeling well. I couldn't run. I just jumped on the bike. I went to work, came home, and slept. HARD... ugh..
Pretty mediocre week. I still owe my readers a post about some personal things, but I am too sick right now think about writing. I was lucky to get this one out. I am going to do some binge watching and sleep. I will need to go to Target to get a few things, but that is about it. If I want to make it to church tomorrow, I will need to rest up.
Greetings from cyberspace! Ok.. this week was a little more exciting... to say the least.. Just read on...
- March 26 - Went to our satellite office to continue working on that new project. Afterwards I met up with some friends at a local pub to see this amazing band, Rum Soaked Raisins! My girlfriend is good friends with them, and they remembered me from her birthday party. I danced a bit, but then there was this really strange woman that kept grabbing me... weird.. Didn't stay too long as I had to go to work the next day.
- March 27 - Went to our satellite office again, and attended a webinar training which was awful. Then I pretty much sat around reading work comp statutes. Came home to see a few friends, and then went over to our neighbors, but there was this guy that was just plain freaking weird. Second day in row!!!
- March 28 - Went shopping at the local natural market, and spent a little too much on natural vitamins, but they are totally worth it. We then went to my cousin's so drumline competition... and they were robbed going to the finals.. by.. ONE... STINKING.. POINT!!! And they worked so hard. And their coach was telling them how awful they were??? WTF!!! Grrrrr
- March 29 - Hawk competed in Tough Mudder in Los Angeles (wanna know what that is... Google it!) My cousin and hung out and I drank way too much beer.. because by the end of the night, I was feeling giddy. Two of the kids went on a mission trip with their church. Got a chance to message Hawk to see how he did.. he said he loved it... (more on this later).
- March 30 - Got up, went to the gym, but my run was AWFUL! Definitely cannot do the drinking the night before, and I really did not eat well the day before. Work was quiet.. Thank goodness!!
- March 31 - I was able to work from home, which was a blessing because I needed to figure out a process for my team. Hawk and I spoke on the phone for over an hour. It was great conversation. Just like it was in the beginning. He told me all about the Mudder and how hard it was, but he said he wouldn't do it again. Too expensive. And I quote "I'm too cheap to spend that much money when I spend the same amount and do several competitions!".. I had to laugh. I didn't want to end the conversation, but I started to get tired. And I was babysitting my cousin's youngest while she went out for dinner (Hawk's comment was priceless.. more on that later). And then the older kids came home, and were loud, rude, disrespectful. I had to text her to come home to deal with it, and when she did, it got louder. Didn't get to sleep until 1:00 AM... Oh.. it was the 11th anniversary of my divorce being final.
- April 1 - Not enough sleep and my run was HORRIBLE.. and the day at work was equally horrible. The bright spot... Hawk was sympathetic and encouraging... (more on this later). Second bright spot, I signed up for a 5K in June, and it was free via work. Yeah!! Time to start training outside!!
Told you... pretty exciting.. Upon reviewing this, I need to do a follow-up post regarding some personal issues. Stay tuned.
Greetings from cyberspace! This past week was pretty boring... Lather rinse repeat.
- March 19 - Went to one of our other offices for work to start on a new project (and I haven't even finished the current one!) It was a long travel day!! I met with my church mentor today and we had some great discussions regarding Hawk, Buttercup and life in general.
- March 20 - PAYDAY! But really did not put a dent in the debt as I had used my credit card recently due to emotional spending.
- March 21 - Got up early and went to work out in the gym, then drove into work, due to being at the other office, I needed to get caught up on some stuff. Came home and watched two awesome movies my cousin rented.
- March 22 - Woke to a text from one of the church elders, that they had a check for me. As I checked my email, there was one from the same elder stating that the church was going to provide financial aid so that I can go see Buttercup. I just need to figure out dates and request the time off. Such a blessing.
- March 23 - Monday morning... I really don't like Monday mornings. Lather rinse and repeat.. some thing different day. Except I found out the person that I was collaborating on that new project resigned, and so it appears that I will be spending more time up there anticipated.
- March 24 - Work, work, work and more work. I mean, really??? BUT, when I weighed myself, I hit my first target - 150 lbs!!! Woooot!!
- March 25 - A very interesting day, to say the least. First of all, I attended a webinar that provide clarity on my main project. Secondly, I accidentally erased my co-workers profile on her computer. Thirdly, I met up with the friend that introduced me to Hawk, and the first thing she says to me when she sees me.. YOU LOOK FABULOUS!! We really did not discuss him. I wanted to just hang out and have a glass of wine. We had some great girl chat, and then she mentioned what a fool he was. LOL!
Yes, a very boring week. Uneventful. Not even a lot to discuss. Highlight - I will be able to see my Buttercup soon!