Not Sure What to Do

Greetings from cyberspace!  It's has been so long since I have blogged, that I find myself wondering why?  It could be that there are so many distractions out there, and that I find myself not willing to write anything.  And then there are times that I feel so listless and just wonder, what am I doing with my life.  When I was actively blogging, I found it very liberating, and enjoyed reading your comments.  I feel like I am going to be in debt forever because I keep spending. Granted a lot of it has been for Buttercup, but then there has been other items that I have purchased that I ask.. why?  I think that all the years of not being able to go buy something because I had to make up the short comings from the Ex is starting to catch up with me.  And that my dear friend is a dangereous path I have found myself on.  It is like the gravity of Debtopia keeps dragging me back.  I went back and looked how many times I have slid back into old habits.  I am much smarter than this. I know how to build a budget, and when I put my mind to it, I can stick to it.  And if I was honest with myself, this has been the biggest failure on my part.  And how can I expect Buttercup to learn, if I can't stick to one myself.  I think the biggest obstacle is that I really do not know what I want from life. I am 51 years old, and still fell like a lost child at times.  I am nowhere near I thought I would be. I do not own a home.  I am divorced.  I have not had any healthy relationships (romantic wise). I will be working until I drop dead because I don't think I can afford to retire.  I have been flailing recently.  And it hurts. Deeply. And sometimes it is hard to remember what the important things are in life.

Well... thanks for listening to this... I have some very deep thinking and prayer to do.


Mid-Year Review 2014 - Part II

Greetings from cyberspace!  Yesterday I did a review of my goals for 2014. So like at work, we reassess and modify.  But for once, I would LOVE to be able to make personal goals and keep them.  This is an area in my life that I need to work on.

Financial - 2014
  • Replenish Baby Emergency Fund by October 31st
  • Pay Off 15% of $35,627.90 (-$5,344.19) by the end of the year
  • Set up automatic payments for 2015
    Personal - 2014
    • Complete the NIV one year women's devotional
    • Complete reading of Ephesians in August
    • Complete reading of Galatians in September
    • Complete reading of Romans in October
    • Read at least 16 additional books, all from my current NOOK library
    Health - 2014
    • Complete a 5K walk within 40 - 45 minute
    • No more artificial sweeteners
    • Reduce eating meat to once or twice a week and processed food
    Professional - 2014
    • Read monthly professional journal and complete CE exams within journal
    • Complete my 2014 re-assessment test by the end of the year
    • Keep my email box below 50 emails by the end of a each week
    • Develop financial plan to do long distance program
    PS... I just realized that this is my 700th post.  WOW.. Where did the time go!  Yikes!!


    Mid-Year Review 2014 - Part I

    Greetings from cyberspace!  At work we are starting to do the mid-year reviews.  So I thought I would take the time to review my personal goals that I set up here on this blog.  After reviewing them, guess what... I have really not done well.  In fact, I have jumped off the track so badly... I don't think I can get back on track.  So let's take a look.  Tomorrow I will post the revised goals.

    Financial - 2014
    • Complete Baby Emergency Fund by March 31st
      • This is done, however, even though it is not a true emergency, Buttercup needs a car, so I will probably use part or all of this to help her get one.  But it should not take long to replenish.
    • Pay Off 15% of $35,627.90 (-$5,344.19) before my birthday 
      • So not there.  I will be luck to make this goal before the end of the year.
    • Pay Off 25% of $35,627.90 (-$8,906.98) by the end of the year
      • Not gonna happen.  End of story.
    • Save $300 for Christmas
      • Done
    Personal - 2014
    • Complete the Bible in One Year app on my iPhone
      • I fell off track on this.  So I think I will replace this by complete reading Ephesians, Romans and Galatians.
    • Complete the NIV one year women's devotional
      • On track and on going
    • Read War and Peace
      • I gave up on this.  I just could not get into it.  The style of writing is difficult too enjoy.
    • Read at least 20 additional books, all from my current NOOK library
      • I have read at least 4 from this library.  So, I am a bit behind.
    Health - 2014
    • Complete a 5K, but this time, run the whole thing
      • I developed some cardiac issues that is preventing me from doing this.
    • Go to gym 5 times a day in the colder winter months
      • Fail... big time
    • Go to gym 3 days and walk/run/bike 3 days in the warmer months
      • Starting to get back into walking and moderate biking at the gym.
    • No more artificial sweeteners
      • PASS!!!  I no longer use artificial sweeteners!
    • Reduce eating meat to once or twice a week and processed food
      • Doing good on this.  Been eating a lot of bean, and eating more wholesome organic foods.
    Professional - 2014
    • Read monthly professional journal and complete CE exams within journal
      • Really.... I have been so busy at work, it has been impossible to do this.
    • Complete my 2014 re-assessment test by the end of the year
      • Not applicable
    • Keep my email box below 50 emails by the end of a each week
      • Really... see above comment!
    • Get information to start long distance program to get bachelor degree
      • Got the information, but I need to figure out the financial aspect.


    Happy Birthday Buttercup - Welcome to Adulthood

    Greetings from cyberspace!  Today is Buttercup's 18th birthday.  Yep, she is a legal adult.  But in my heart she will always be that sweet baby I gave birth to. I recently had a conversation with her regarding 'being a grown-up' and in her own words (get ready for these words of wisdom... )- 'It is so hard!' I had to smile and laugh with her.  That's right Buttercup - being a grown-up is no picnic!  I love my daughter, but in so many ways she is still a child.  She will learn.  And I pray that she will always seek God's counsel (as well as my own).  But I will see, that time and distance has been good for her relationship with her father.  They have had a strained relationship for some time.  It does my heart good that they are working on rebuilding it.

    So in honor of this special day - I would like to share a few pictures... Happy Birthday Buttercup!  Mom loves you so very much!


    The Boring Week I Had

    Greetings from cyberspace! This week has been pretty much uneventful. There have been some good stuff that has been going on, and then some... oh well... And so with that, let's get on with my weekly recap... And as always, let's start with...

    Well, she has officially registered for classes at Ozark Technical Community College. So, along with tuition and books, it pretty much ate up her FASFA amount for this semester. She will get a little back. Her and I have discussions about the amount of financial help that I will be providing. The only thing I am a bit concerned is that she is not taking care of certain items before school starts. And she only has a few more weeks until she turns 18.  Scary.. so scary. I just keep praying and praying for her.

    Let me just say that I am grateful for my job, because it has kept my mind preoccupied and not allowing it to dwell on senseless crap. However, I can mention that most of this weekend will be spent working on my re-certification assessment test.

    All is pretty good here. Thing were a bit crazy this week with my cousin and her family going to Vacation Bible School. The one good thing is that I would HAVE to get up early to get a shower to go to work.  This is perfect for me because I will start training Monday morning for....

    Another 5K!!! Yep.. In September I am going to be joining a friend to run a 5K.  There is just one itsy bitsy problem...It is in Los Angeles!!!  Which is about a two hour drive for me! So, I just may look at getting a hotel room for the night..  I may have to reconsider and look for one closer to home.  The main point is that I need to get more serious about my exercise routine. I refuse to buy new clothes because my pants are getting tight. Oh heck no. Which provides me a segue way for my next topic.

    This is an area in which I have been sort of lack luster about. Meaning, I haven't been spending money, but then again, I just am going through the motions. I really need to put an action plan together and go over my personal goals.  It is time to have a mid year tune up and get focused.  One thing I did do was close my Walmart Discover Card.  I have a regular Discover Card at a much lower interest rate..12.99 as opposed to 22.99.  That was an easy decision. I have a few other little minions that I want to cut loose, because I don't use them... There are others that I want to keep because of the rewards points, and I have been very good about not putting large amounts on them.  The only large amount I have is my Discover card, and right now, I am in the 0% interest zone until May 2015.  So, guess what will be part of the action plan.  Also, the PMSI account... My birthday present to myself is to pay that off.  My BofA Visa will be paid off in August. I have a few things going on. Which leads me to my next section....

    I love the Christian worship band Casting Crowns.. and they are coming to California, and the cost of a ticket is not bad at all.  And so, my cousin, her oldest daughter and myself are going to see them. It will be a fun night. It may seem a bit of a splurge, but I being that I barely do anything, or buy anything - I am okay with spending the money to go see this group.

    Well, that is all for now. Take care and see you next week!


    Weekly Recap... (Or My Pathetic Attempt to Blog)

    Greetings from cyberspace! Has it really been a week since I posted! Ugh.. I just get so busy during the week and at night time, I am just absolutely drained.  My only opportunity is on Saturday.  I just need to get motivated to write.  It's been hard to blog when my thoughts have been so jumbled.  So, please excuse me while I ramble.  So, here is the current status of my life...

    My daughter started working at IHOP, and so far so good.  I am really proud of her. She also finally saw the light regarding her boyfriend and broke it off with him.  He was using her as an emotional punching bag, and she had enough it.  She saw me go through it with the Ex, and realized that she was going down the same path. I don't mean sound mean, but I am really glad.  Now, that does not mean that I won't worry that she will get back together with him, but I am hoping that she will be strong and don't do what I did.  She still has a few things to do for school regarding FASFA, but it is coming along.  She is trying to nail down the best living situation for herself. She doesn't have her license yet, so it is kind of tough. She is now realizing that her lack of doing the work she needed to get ready for post-graduation life is really hurting her. So, I am just waiting to see what she is going to do.  But I have decided on what to get her for her 18th birthday.  She is going to need a new computer for school.  And so that will be my gift to her.  I have told her and she knows what my budget will be.

    Buttercup's Father
    This is a tough situation. I have been paying spousal support for this man, longer than I should have. So, I need to inform him that it will stop in August.  Done and done.  He is going to throw a fit, because he feels that I owe him.  Well, good sir, I don't feel that I do. And I am extremely frustrated that the attorney friend of my coworker has not reached out to me. I gave her the information in January. Monday I will look at getting a consultation with another attorney.

    The Ex
    The Ex's youngest daughter, Blossom (who I was very close to) graduated this week.  I am kind of bummed that I was not able to go. But then again, that is the price I pay for the break up.  I miss her a lot and I miss the Ex's mother. We were pretty close. And the Ex is pressuring me to just have a 'friendship'.  Not a good idea, because I still have that physical attraction to him. But I know that it would lead me back to that vicious cycle, and I am not going back there.  And also, Buttercup would never forgive me.  She and I are almost back to having a good mother/daughter relationship.

    Work and Home
    It has been a challenging at work, due to a tight and there are times that I need to work on the weekend. It's really been difficult to get the time to work as there is so much to do and it just gets super busy around here. And it is just too far for me to drive in. If I lived closer to work, it would be a non-issue. And the house has been absolutely crazy with my cousin's oldest daughter and her baby living with us. It is kind of ironic in the situation. When I moved in, she was in the room I have now, and I slept on the futon and had my stuff in the garage. Now it is reversed. But the main difference is the maturity level. I cleaned up after myself, picked up the bed and kept my stuff neatly organized. She, however, wow... and I mean.. wow! And I feel bad for my cousin, because the house has been in utter turmoil because of all the stuff. Part of me wants to organize all the stuff, but her mother insists that the daughter take care of it, and she is right. It is a lesson that I can learn from when it comes to Buttercup.

    I've been pretty good on not overspending. Still keeping things within budget. My biggest challenge is going to be regarding Buttercup. I know that being on her own is going to be a struggle for her, and I will try to help where I can, but I have told her that she needs to be on a budget and to not expect mom to 'rescue' her. There are some things that I will do to help out for the first year, but she also has to do her part. There is a lot of things that I have not been able to do because of being in debt due to my bad decisions regarding her and the Ex. I have a lot work to do to stay focused on paying off my debt, but I will get there. Eventually.

    Social Life
    Really not a lot going on here. Part of it relates to money. I really don't want to spend money to go out to the fair with some friends, or go to a baseball game with some co-workers. I'm really not interested in dating or what ever right now. That is the farthest from my mind. I really don't want to get into another romantic relationship. The last two (my marriage and subsequent long term relationship) really damaged my self-esteem and my self-worth. I still feel damaged from the Ex, and it has been over six months. However, I am hopeful that in time, I will feel ready to venture out there and perhaps meet someone to have companionship with. And right now, I just want to develop my relationship with God.

    Future Plans
    I have been doing a lot of praying about this. I feel that there is something waiting out there for me, but only God knows. What I do know is that when I get over emotional, that is when I do the most damage to myself and my pocket book. So, I look to scripture to help guide me. There is a lot of lessons to learn, and I am enjoying the lessons. So for now, I will just be vigilant and a good steward with my finances. It will be okay. I have a complete faith that I will be fine.

    Hugs to all... Peace be with you.. Rhitter


    Gearing Up for the Summer

    Greetings from cyberspace! The kids are officially out of school, meaning lots of activities around here. Not that it is my financial responsibility, but I try to help out when I am able. There is not a lot of things I want to do this summer other than maybe go to the beach. I don't even care to go to the fair. We will probably spend some time at the neighbor's pool on the weekend. I need to keep my expenses down so that I can pay down my debt faster. I would like to have the BofA cleared by the end of the summer, and then I can focus on PMSI.  I still am waiting for Buttercup to see what she needs... Love, love, love this time of the year.